


Keep Playing Pretend A Little While

by romeoandjulietyouwish



Series: Lis Writes Mighty Nein [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Adorable Jester Lavorre, Canon-Typical Violence, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fjord Has Issues (Critical Role), Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Jester Lavorre Needs a Hug, Love, Men Crying, Nightmares, POV Fjord (Critical Role), Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, author drank her loving women juice this morning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26758882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romeoandjulietyouwish/pseuds/romeoandjulietyouwish
Summary: Five times Fjord and Jester showed they care about each other and one time they said it out loud.
Relationships: Fjord/Jester Lavorre
Series: Lis Writes Mighty Nein [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026874
Comments: 46
Kudos: 158





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow my first Critical Role fic! If you've been following my tumblr you would know that it has taken over my life! Spoilers through episode 97ish (try to keep spoilers out of the comments please!)

Jester’s been distant, quieter these past few days. She hasn’t been joining the group as they talk during their travel. But whenever anyone asks, she just smiles and says that she’s just a little tired, that’s all. Fjord knows it’s a lie and as he makes eye contact with Beau across the cart he can see that she knows too. They all do. But none of them quite know how to help, Jester is usually the one cheering everyone else up. 

When the finally make camp for the night and the dome is set up, everyone gather’s around the fire. Except for Jester, she sits in the back of the cart by herself, looking up at the night sky. Beau punches his shoulder and nods towards the teifling. Fjord sighs now is as good a time as any to talk to her. He stands up and walks over to the cart. Jester kicks her legs against the cart, her face solemn.

“Hey, Jessie.” Fjord jumps up on the cart and sits down beside her 

“Hi!” She turns to him with a bright smile, a sharp contrast to when she had been alone moments ago. He’s seen enough of her smiles to know that her eyes are just a little too tight to be genuine. Just as he is about to say something, Jester asks, “Do you like my braids?” She pulls on the ends of her hair lightly, showing off two intricate braids, both woven through with little yellow flowers and tied at the ends with cords of leather. 

“They look beautiful.” She always looks beautiful.

Jester nods, kicking her legs, “Veth did them for me. She said that she missed having someone’s hair to do. Apparently when they first got married Yeza had pretty long hair and she would braid it back for him. Do you think you’d look good with braids?” She asks him. “I think you would.” She reaches up and runs her fingers through his hair, he forces himself not to lean into the touch. “I mean your hair is getting long now too, only a few more months and you could probably braid it too-”

As much as he loves Jester’s rambling, and he does, he knows that this conversation will go in a thousand different directions before he can say what he really wants. So he puts a hand on her shoulder. “Jester, can I ask you something?” 

“Of course!” She beams up at him. 

He almost feels bad for damping the mood. Almost. “Are you feeling okay?” 

Her face falters for a second before she fixes her smile, “Of course. I’m all healed up from the fight and-” 

“That’s not what I mean. I mean up here,” he reaches out and taps her temple lightly. 

“Oh,” she looks back at her hands. “I’m...I’m okay.” She gives him a less convincing smile. 

“You know,” he looks over at her, “you don’t have to be. I won’t judge you if you’re not okay. I’m your friend, I’m here for you no matter what.” 

Something solemn crosses her face, but she just looks at him and smiles, “I’m doing fine, Fjord.” With that, she jumps off the back of the wagon and runs across the grass to where the rest of the party is. Fjord runs a hand through his hair with a sigh. 

He doesn’t get the chance to talk to her alone for another three days and it’s very clear that she’s been avoiding him. Jester’s taken every chance she can get to take watch with Beau or Caleb or anyone else besides him, whenever there is a possibility of being left alone with him, she quickly finds an excuse to go somewhere else. 

When he finally talks to her again it’s kneeling beside a slowly babbling river. The party had found themselves victim of a rather messy mudslide and Jester had volunteered to rinse off all of their clothes in the nearby river. Before she could object, Fjord offered to help her. 

Jester isn’t quiet as they walk to the river, their arms full of clothes. She babbles on and on about mindless things, filling any empty space available. He occasionally asks her a question about something she’s saying or asks her to clarify something, he wants to prove to her that he really does care about her and what she has to say. He wants her to know that he won’t pressure her to talk about it if she doesn’t want to. 

The conversation finally falls to a lull when they get to the river. Fjord doesn’t say anything, he just dips the clothes into the cool water and methodically cleans the mud and grime from them. Jester kneels down a few feet downstream from him and does the same.

They wash the clothes in silence for a minute or so before Jester says, “Before I left home I had never spent more than three hours away from the Chateau.” Fjord hums to indicate that he’s listening, but he doesn’t look at her. He knows that it’s harder to say what you mean when someone is looking right at you. “Mama never liked going out, it always made her nervous and I was fine staying in with her. Mama was really my only friend beside the Traveler.” Jester is quiet for a beat, the silence filled with the running river. “When I ran away it was because I had to, not because I want to. I...I think that made it easier to leave my mama.” 

“But I-I never thought that I would be this far away for this long,” Jester’s voice breaks a little. Fjord can tell she’s starting to get upset, but he doesn’t stray from his task. She takes a deep breath. “You asked me if I was okay and honestly…” Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Jester sit up and look over at him and he takes that his cue that it’s okay to face her. So he does, letting Caleb’s coat fall onto the grass. 

He can see Jester’s bottom lip start to wobble, her tell that she’s going to start crying. “I didn’t want to tell you the truth because I-I was...am embarrassed.” She drags a hand through her hair. “But the truth is,” she shakes her head, biting her lip, “I-I’m not okay. It’s been a hard few weeks with all of the traveling and fighting and I am...hundred of thousands of miles away from home and all I want is to see my mama.” Jester curls in on herself as she starts to cry. Fjord closes the small distance between them, pulling her gently to lean on his chest. 

Jester clings to him, sobbing into his shirt. He holds her close and murmurs comforting words. He’s not sure if she can hear or understand what he’s saying, but he does the best he can to calm her down. 

“I’m sorry,” Jester pulls back after her crying subsides a bit. She quickly wipes her eyes and buzzes her lips, leaning back out of his arms. “This is so childish.” 

Fjord leans back as well, “No it’s not, it makes perfect sense that you miss your mother. I’m sure she misses you just as terribly.” 

“Yeah, I know she does,” Jester’s lip trembles and little and she shakes her head as if to rid herself of the thought. “It’s just hard not to see and talk to her every day. I just want her to give me a hug. I just want to see her.” 

Fjord frowns sympathetically, “Why don’t you send her a message tonight? And maybe if you bat your eyes enough you can convince Caleb to transport us back to the Coast. I’m sure Veth would love to go as well.” 

“Yeah,” Jester wipes her eyes one last time, “yeah, I’ll do that.” She looks up at him almost nervously, “Thank you, Fjord. For listening and, um, being a good friend.” 

“Thank you for talking to me, I know being vulnerable it’s easy.” She shakes her head in agreement. “So thank you for trusting me.” 

“You’re easy to trust.” She gives him a soft look and something in Fjord’s chest tightens. 

He quickly shakes off the feeling and clears his throat, “We should probably get back to cleaning if we want these clothes to be dry by morning.” 

“You’re probably right.” Jester sighs and turns back to the river and the pile of clothes between them. “Let’s get going then.” 

They go back to cleaning, rinsing off the clothes in icy water. About halfway through, Jester gets a mischievous look in her eye and splashes him with the freezing water. She giggles as he splutters, quickly splashing her back. Their laughter rings through the forest as they both get progressively more and more drenched, shivering from the cold water. But Fjord can’t feel anything but joy at the sound of Jester’s laughter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Next chapter! Good morning everybody! I hope you like this chapter!

Fjord stands on the beach, toes buried in the sand. With his back turned towards the city, he can almost imagine that he’s alone in the world just now. It’s easy to turn out the bustle of the Menagerie Coast, especially with the sound of the waves so clear. In the distance, he can see the green glow of the Wildmother’s lighthouse. Just looking at it gives him a feeling of calm. He knows that she’s looking out for him and taking care of him. He slowly turns his gaze from the lighthouse to the open ocean. 

The moon is overcast with dark clouds, making the water look even darker than it normally does. The only light comes from the lighthouse, casting it’s glow as far as it can reach. Many miles from shore he can see a storm brewing in the sky, lightning flashes through the dark clouds, and even this far away he can hear the low rumbles of thunder, seeming the make the whole world tremble. 

He closes his eyes, curling his hands into fists and taking a slow breath. As he listens to the thunder, it seems to become something else, something harsher, something familiar. 

With his eyes closed, the darkness becomes something else entirely. He’s standing on the deck of the Ball-Eater in darkness, his sword hanging heavy in his hand. The rain pummels down on his shoulder, soaking him quickly through his clothing. Thunder cracks loudly all around him. A brief flash of lightning illuminates the blade of someone standing in front of him. 

Before he has time to react, something strikes him right in the chest, he looks around but sees no assailant. Blood pours from the wound on his chest, hitting the deck and mixing with the cold rainwater.

Another boom of thunder. And a third. But the fourth one isn’t thunder. 

It’s an explosion. The world around him erupts into the fire, the same color as his blood. Blistering heat surrounds him and all he can see is fire. Someone calls his name but he can’t see who it is.

Then he’s falling, reaching up towards the ship, and his back slams into the cold water. He can see the red fire refracted by the water as he sinks, everything around his growing darker and darker until he can no longer tell which way is up. He feels the cold water creeping its way into his lungs-

“Fjord?” 

Fjord’s eyes snap open as he gasps softly. He’s still staring out at the ocean, straight ahead. He can see the lighthouse’s beam out of the corner of his eye. He’s not in the water or on the ship, he’s not drowning. He’s standing on the beach. He digs his toes deeper into the sand, willing himself to believe that this is real. 

“You’re bleeding.” He looks down and sees Jester standing in front of him, looking up at him sadly. He blinks a few times at her, he hadn’t noticed she’d been there. How long has she been here? She’s holding one of her hands in his, his palm facing up. And sure enough, he is bleeding, four perfect crescents are cut into his palm. He must have dug his nails in too hard. He doesn’t have to look at the other hand to know it’s the same. 

“Oh,” he says, quite at a loss for words. Jester takes his other hand and closes her eyes, in a split second he watches her hair fly back a little as all eight cuts on his hands close. He looks at her, slightly appalled, “Jester, you didn’t need to...you should have saved your magic.”

She ignores him and instead guides him back a few feet and leads him to sit down on the beach, their sides pressed together. The sand is warm under him and he rubs a few grains between his fingers. He can feel Jester watching him nervously.

“Are you okay?” She asks it in such a way he knows that she means _I already know the answer is no, I just want to see if you’re going to lie to me_. 

He can’t lie to her. But he also doesn’t want her to see how messed up he is, how broken he is so instead he asks her a question of his own, “What are you doing out here? I thought you were going to spend time with your mother.” 

Jester shrugs, “I wanted to make sure that you were okay. You were quiet at dinner and you didn’t say anything when you left.” 

“Sorry, I guess I was a bit distracted.” 

Jester frowns, “With what?”

Fjord sighs and leans forward on his knees, dragging a hand through his hair. “I guess we’ve been away from the water for so long...it’s weird to be back. I’ve had a lot on my mind.” 

She furrows her brow, her head tipped to the side. “Are you sure that’s all? You looked really pale.” 

He sighs again. There’s no point in lying to her and there’s no point in trying to pretend he’s okay. She’s no Caduceus, but Jester always seems to be able to tell when something isn’t quite right. “The thunder...it reminded me of the fight on the boat.”

“When you died?” She asks quietly. 

He nods, “That and, uh, the explosion on the boat, almost drowning.” Jester’s arm wraps around his shoulder, not quite reaching all the way across, but it’s comforting nonetheless. He leans on her. 

“What can I do to help you?” Jester asks after a moment or two. 

He looks over at her and sees her looking up at him with such a lost and unsure expression. “Just being here is enough, knowing that I’m not alone. That I have both feet planted on dry land. I also wouldn’t mind a hug.” 

Jester smiles at him and in an instant, he has an armful of a blue teifling, her arms around his neck. He hugs her back tightly, pressing his face into her shoulder. Her skin is slightly cold to the touch, but he doesn’t mind. He takes a calming breath and finds that she smells of cotton and baked goods. Try as he might, he can’t ignore the fluttering in his chest. He pulls her into his lap to make the hug easier, trying desperately not to think about how perfect she fits in his arms. 

“You’re not alone, Fjord,” she whispers to him. “I won’t let you be.” 

Fjord lets the comforting words wash over him. The sound of the city and the waves on the sand fade to the background as he listens to the sound of her heartbeat. He can still see the blood and the fire when he closes his eyes, but Jester’s tight hold on him and her soft words in his ear reminds him that this is real, that _she’s_ real. 

That he’s not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!
> 
> My tumblr is @romeoandjulietyouwish


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's a new chapter! 
> 
> TW- panic attack, references to kidnapping and torture

Fjord runs his thumb over the grip of his blade, methodically feeling the grooves as he stares into the dark forest. His eyes trace back and forth across the tree line, waiting for something to catch his eye. But every few minutes he glances down to the blue tiefling asleep by his side. Jester is curled on her side to his left, her horns almost touching his leg. Her arms are tightly wound around her bag, holding it to her chest like a child would their favorite bear. Her hair is wound into a braid that Yasha had helped her do earlier. Every once in a while she hums softly in her sleep.

Fjord sighs and twirls the blade against the ground, digging the tip into the grass. The night is silent and he doubts that anything harmful awaits them in these woods. But one can never be too vigilant. Besides, his turn is almost over. 

“Mmm,” Jester mumbles unhappily in her sleep and rolls over to her other side. Her horns scrape lightly against his leg. There’s a crease between her brows and she whimpers softly, hugging her bag even tighter. Fjord frowns and looks down at her. “No,” she cries softly in her sleep. “No, stay away! Leave us alone! No!” As she talks her movements grow more and more frantic, flailing around and breathing much too quickly.

Fjord quickly leans over and gently shakes her shoulder, “Jester, you’re alright. It’s just a dream. You’re okay.” 

She doesn’t wake up. He shakes her a little harsher and this time her eyes spring open with a gasp. She sits up, her eyes wide and fearful. When she sees Fjord, she scrabbles back for a second with another gasp, almost running into Veth, before she recognizes that it’s him. The tension seeps out of her body and tears gather in her eyes.

“Jessie?” Fjord asks, putting his hands out in a calming gesture. Before he can say anything else, Jester leaps into his arms, sobbing. He instinctively catches her and holds on to her tight as she sinks deeper into his embrace. He imagines himself shielding her from all harm as he curls protectively around her. 

Jester has seldom let anyone see her vulnerable or even a little sad so her now weeping and gasping into his arms is new, to say the least. Fjord does the only thing he knows how to do. He holds her tight, gently rubbing her back. “Breathe, Jessie,” Fjord encourages. “You’re okay. You’re safe. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.” 

“Fjord, I-I-”

“Just breathe,” he tells her. “Just focus on breathing.” She nods jerkily against his chest. “Follow me.” Fjord begins to take slow deep breaths and he can feel Jester trying to copy his breath. He rubs her back encouragingly and takes another breath. It takes a few more before she is able to follow him, her grip loosening ever so slightly on his jacket. “That’s it,” he says after a moment. “You’re okay. It’s alright.” Another minute or so and her breathing finally levels out.

She pulls slightly out of his arms but doesn’t leave the embrace, as she quickly wipes her tears and looks down at her lap. “Sorry. I...I didn’t mean for that to happen.” 

He smiles at her kindly, “You can’t help having nightmares. How are you feeling?” 

“Weak,” she laughs humorlessly.

“You’re not weak,” he promises her, gently rubbing her arms. For the first time in a long while, Jester is silent, sad. She doesn’t force a smile or a joke or try to convince him that she’s alright. He’s incredibly proud of her and thankful that she’s allowing him to see her at her most vulnerable.

She curls her arms around her waist. “Feels like it.” Before he can say anything in response she says, “Thank you for, um, waking me up and helping me.” 

He gives her another soft smile, “You don’t need to thank me. I’m here for you, we all are.” She nods, but since she doesn’t make a move to go lay back down, he feels that there is still something weighing on her mind. “You know, Caduceus always says that talking about your dreams makes them less scary. I’m willing to listen if you would like.” 

She nods, “I was...I was dreaming about-about the Iron Shepherds.” The name weighs heavily in her mouth. Fjord tenses a little, not expecting to hear that name. “I dreamed that we were still trapped and no one...no one came to save us.” Jester’s tears don’t fall as she talks, they just collect in her eyes and a vacant stare comes across her face, similar to when Caleb told them about everything that happened to him. She doesn’t look up at him, but rather out across over the fire. 

Fjord remembers the days after they were released, he would often catch Jester rubbing her wrists as if she was making sure she was free. All both of them were plagued by nightmares in the weeks that followed, he didn’t know that Jester still got them. 

He puts his arm around her and pulls her to lean against his chest as she continues, “They hurt me and-and they hurt you and Yasha and I-I tried to get them to stop but I couldn’t talk or-or move. And I was so scared that they would kill you and I would be all alone.” Jester’s voice cracks on the last word and that seems to be her final break because she starts sobbing, quickly covering her mouth to quiet the sound so she doesn’t wake the others. 

Fjord pulls back into a tight hug. “It’s alright, you’re okay, we’re safe,” he assures her. “Nothing like that is ever going to happen again.” 

“How do you know?” Jester’s voice wavers with her tears.

“Well, number one because both of your parents threatened to kill me if I let anything happen to you.” Jester lets out a light laugh. “And two, I won’t let anything like that happen to you ever again, and I know none of the others will either.” 

She looks up at him, her eyelashes beaded with tears. He is immediately struck by the trust he sees in her gaze as she hugs him for a second, whispering, “Thank you, Fjord.” 

He gives in to the urge and reaches up to gently cup her cheek in his hand. She leans into his touch, her eyes closing slightly as he wipes away some of her tears. “You want to try to go back to sleep? If not, you’re welcome to sit up with me until I wake up Veth and Yasha,” he offers.

She shakes her head and moves away, his arm falling between them. He finds that he immediately misses touching her. “I’m okay.” He doesn’t quite believe it, but he doesn’t want to push. “I’ll go back to sleep.” He smiles at her softly. And before she curls back down on her bedroom, she darts forward and kisses his cheek, “Goodnight, Fjord.” 

He blushes a little, “Night, Jessie.” 

Jester curls over her side facing the fire, her eyes closing. Fjord has to hold himself back from reaching out to touch her head or shoulder, to make sure that she’s okay. He takes a long breath and turns to look back up at the dark forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Tumblr- @romeoandjulietyouwish


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super cheesy but whateves :D

Ordinarily, bandits would be no big deal, but they’re all exhausted. They’ve been traveling for weeks now, the temperature growing colder and colder. When they’re attacked, not a single one of them sees it coming. Not until a swarm of bandits burst from the tree line, an arrow whizzing right past Fjord’s face.

“Goddamnit!” Beau shouts, jumping off of her horse. Yasha and Veth are swift to follow while Jester shakes awake Caleb who had been sleeping in the back of the cart. Fjord summons his sword and leaps after them. 

Ten bandits surround them, four armed with crossbows and the rest with swords and knives. The instant they start fighting, Fjord can tell this isn’t going to go well. The Nein are sloppy, they miss things, accidentally leave themselves wide open, and they swing and fire sloppily, muscles too tired to perform the movements. Beau doesn’t even see the arrow before it hits her leg. A throwing knife slams into Caleb’s side, causing Veth to be distracted and miss the bandit behind her who knocks her over the head. 

Fjord tried to keep his eyes on his party members, but he’s just as bad as the rest of them. His muscles feel achy and tired, begging for a break when the fight’s barely begun. Fjord very quickly gets distracted with three bandits rushing at him. They manage to get a few swipes in at him, but a quick glance over his shoulder tells him that he is faring far better than his companions. 

“Watch your 6, Jester!” He calls out in just enough time for Jester to dodge out of the way of the volley of arrows headed her direction. Once she is safe she gives him and smile and a thumbs up and continues, fighting, summoning her spiritual weapon. 

The fight goes on for what seems like hours, but in reality, can’t be more than fifteen minutes. Even with them all so tired and sore, they still manage to pull a victory. When all of the bandits have fled or lay dead at their feet, they all hobble back to the cart and horses. 

Fjord can see Caleb leaning heavily on Veth, blood soaking through his shirt and coat. Veth is holding a torn bit of cloth to a bleeding wound on her forehead. Yasha helps Beau walk on her non-injured leg and hoists her up on the cart. The monk grits her teeth in pain. Caduceus looks relatively unharmed if a bit exhausted and Fjord feels about the same. Yasha looks okay, but she has a long gash running down her arm that is dripping blood into the grass. Jester looks okay too as she puts her cloak back on.

“It’s nearly sunset,” Fjord says. “Why don’t we just camp here for the night?” 

They all nod, too exhausted to protest. Caduceus looks at Jester, “Do you have any healing left, I’m tapped.” 

Jester nods, “Yeah, I can start healing everyone. If,” she bats her eyes, “you make that dinner that I like.” 

Caduceus smiles, “I think I can manage that.” He gestures for Fjord to follow him off into the woods a little to start setting up camp. 

Through the trees, Fjord doesn’t have a good view of where Jester is healing the rest of the party, but he tries to keep an eye on her the best he can. Eventually, Caleb and Beau make their way to camp, shortly followed by Veth. Yasha and Jester are still by the cart when dinner is being served, so Fjord makes sure to tuck a bowl aside for Jester, knowing Beau is doing the same for Yasha. 

When another five minutes have passed and they’re not at the camp yet, Fjord gets up and walks over to them. As he approaches, he can see Yasha and Jester sitting in the cart talking quietly while Jester slowly heals her. To Fjord, Jester looks a little pale, but he shakes it off as just the moonlight. 

Jester turns as he approaches, “Hi, Fjord, do you need me to heal you?” Her voice is slightly off, not as excited as she usually is. 

“No, I’m okay,” he leans against the cart. “I wanted to see what you two were up to.” 

“She was just finishing up with me,” Yasha smiles as she hopes down onto the ground. “Thank you, Jester.” She makes eye contact with Fjord, smiling a little as she walks past him.

“Of course!” Jester smiles too. She moves to the edge of the cart and jumps down, stumbling a little bit. Fjord instinctively reaches out to catch her, grabbing her right shoulder to steady her. As he touches her, she cries out in pain, quickly shoving his hand off. Fjord looks down at his hand to find it stained with blood.

“Jester?” He asks as she inhales slowly through her nose, her eyes squeezed shut. “Are you hurt?” 

“Little bit.” Jester reaches up with her right hand and slowly takes off her cloak which he can now see is covered in blood. With it off, he can now see a bleeding wound on her shoulder, clearly from a crossbow bolt. He wouldn’t say she’s only a _little bit_ hurt.

“Why didn’t you heal yourself?” He asks as he helps her lean against the cart to keep her footing. He doesn’t think that she’s in risk of bleeding out, but it certainly is not painless.

“I’m out of spells,” she says through the pain. “And so is Caduceus and I know we’re out of potions. Besides,” she shakes her head, “everyone else needed it more than me.” 

Fjord furrows his brow in concern, “You can’t forget to take care of yourself, Jessie.” 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t think about it.” She shifts uncomfortably under his gaze.

He smiles kindly at her, not wanting to think that she is upset with her. “Are you hurt anywhere else?” She shakes her head. “Good. Beau has a healer’s kit. I’ll dress the wound so that you can heal it in the morning.” She nods. 

Fjord helps Jester to camp, his arm around her waist. When everyone else sees her injury they are all immediately concerned, but Fjord just tells them that he’s got it and asks Beau for her healer’s kit. He knows that Jester gets uncomfortable when everyone is staring at her.

A few minutes later, Fjord sits in front of Jester, his back to the fire, and the kit in his lap. He forces himself to focus on his task instead of on how beautiful Jester looks illuminated by the fire light. He saturates some of the bandages with the alcohol from the kit and lifts it up, making eye contact with Jester.

“This is going to hurt a little. Squeeze my hand if you need to,” he tells her quietly. He puts his free hand on her knee and she takes it, her hand slightly cold in his. “You ready?” She screws her face up in preparation and nods. He touches the alcohol to her shoulder and immediately Jester winces, squeezing down on his hand. Her lips are pressed tightly together and she inhales shakily. He hates to know that he’s hurting her, but he knows that it’s necessary to make sure the wound doesn’t get infected overnight.

“Almost done,” he assures her. She nods, her eyes still closed. Finally, the wound is clean and he tosses aside the bloody bandages. The tension seeps out of her body once the alcohol is gone and he quickly applies the healing salve and wraps her shoulder in white bandages. “There. You’re all set.” 

She looks up at him, her face illuminated by the glowing fire as she smiles. Something in his chest flutters. “Thank you!” She leans up and kisses his cheek. 

The soft chatter of the rest of the group fills the silence between them. Jester runs her hands over her cloak, inspecting the blood stain. Fjord can’t help but notice the goose pimples on her arms as a cold gust of wind blows over them. Without a second thought, he takes off his jacket. “Here,” he hands it to her, “wear this, we can clean your cloak in the morning.” 

“Are you sure? You won’t be cold?” She looks over his face nervously. Seeing her hesitancy, wraps his coat around her shoulders, making sure not to pull it too tight around her wound. She gives him a soft smile and tucks her arms into the sleeves. “Thank you,” she says softly.

“Oh! I almost forgot,” he exclaims and quickly leans over to his bedroll to grab the bowl he set aside earlier. He presses a bowl into her hands. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you didn’t eat anything,” he says. “It might be a little cold, but it’s something.”

Something soft comes over her face as she thanks him again, a dark blue blush coming to her cheeks. Over the fire, Fjord makes eye contact with Beau who smirks and lifts an eyebrow. He rolls his eyes at her, but smiles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day!
> 
> Tumblr- @romeoandjulietyouwish


	5. Chapter 5

Fjord is used to being stared at. He’s a monster, he knows that. But with the Nein, he’s gotten used to them trusting him and seeing him for himself, not what he looks like. He’s been living in a bubble. In Xhorhas he was just seen as another citizen passing by, it was nice. But now, here in Rexxentrum with his tusks poking above his lip, he is painfully aware that he doesn’t fit in, that everyone is staring at him and thinking him a monster. 

He hears comments as he walks along the street, calling him hideous and grotesque. He sees parents step protectively in front of their children when they see him. He’d forgotten how much it hurt. He can’t pretend he fits in anymore, not like he could in Xhorhas, in Rexxentrum he is nothing more than a monster, a scary story that parents tell their children.

He’s taken to walking behind Caduceus when they’re on the street with the others surrounding him. Whenever there’s an opportunity to stay behind in their rooms, he takes it. 

Now, he sits on his bed in the inn, staring down at the file in his hand. He hasn’t used it since Jester told him that he should grow them out. He grew more and more confident over the months he grew them out. He slowly managed to put aside the memories of kids teasing him and the awful words they called him. But here in the heart of the empire, he doesn’t feel so confident anymore. He feels like everyone is watching him, waiting for him to become the monster they all know he really is. 

The group is all downstairs having a drink, but Fjord can’t bring himself to join them. His chest already aches with the words and whispers he knows will follow him. He feels like he did all those years ago when he filed down his tusks for the first time, a feeling of just wanting to be normal. 

There’s a soft knock at his door. “Fjord?” Jester calls from the hallway. “Are you going to join us? We saved you a seat!” 

He swallows the lump in his throat, “Not tonight, Jessie. I’m going to turn in early.” 

“Oh. Okay, goodnight then. Sweet dreams!”

A small smile tugs at his lip, “Thank you, Jester.” 

He waits until he hears her shoes click down the hallway and then down the stairs before opening his palm back up again. The little white tool seems to stare back at him. He turns it over in his palm. He knows how to do this by now, he knows that it will hardly take him more than half an hour to shave them down until they are hardly noticeable. 

He lifts his other hand to his mouth, feeling the tusks that poke out from behind his lip. He’s been growing them out for so long, it’d be a pity to waste all of that progress, plus the look on Jester’s face when she realizes what he did…

But on the other hand, he doesn’t know how much longer he can take this. Especially- 

Another knock. 

“Fjord?” It’s Jester again, more tentative this time. “Um, I know you said you wanted to sleep, but you didn’t sound okay, um, you sounded kind of sad. Can I come in?” 

He doesn’t have to think for a second before saying, “Yeah, it’s open.” The door creaks open hesitantly and Jester peeks around the corner. He closes his fist around the file as she walks quietly across the room and sits down on the bed beside him, one leg tucked underneath her. 

“You’ve been quiet since we’ve been in Rexxentrum,” Jester says after a moment. “What’s going on?” She looks up at him with her big purple eyes, full of such genuine concern that it almost hurts.

There’s no point in lying to her. So he puts his hand in front of her and opens his palm, showing her the file. She recognizes it immediately. Jester’s eyes widen and she looks up at Fjord. “Fjord...I…” 

“I-I know, Jester. I know.” He has to look away from her, unable to stand the confusion and sadness in her eyes. He can feel her disappointment thickening the air.

“Why?” Her voice is so soft.

Fjord drags a hand down his face, “The same reasons I told you before. I...I’m tired of being a monster and I’m tired of hearing the awful things people say because if these. Rexxentrum isn’t kind to people like me.” He gestures vaguely to his teeth. “It’s all anyone here sees when they look at me.” 

“It’s not what I see,” Jester turns to face him. She lifts her hand to touch his face, her cold fingers on his cheek. She gently runs her thumb along his cheek and he leans into her touch. “I see your eyes.” He snorts. “I’m being serious, Fjord, you have lovely eyes. And your heart.” She places her other hand over her heart. “You have such a big heart and you care about everyone. You’re more than what they think you are.”

“I’m a monster, Jester.” Fjord shakes his head.

“So am I,” Jester points out with a toothy smile. “We can be monsters together.” 

“It’s not that simple,” he looks down at the file in his hand. “It’s...It’s complicated. Just because being a monster doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t mean that I fell the same way. I don’t hate who I am, but I hate how everyone sees me. And if I can take away just a little bit of myself that makes me what they see then…” He trails off, shaking his head. 

Jester reaches out and takes his hand. “Fjord, I’m not going to stop you if you really want to file down your tusks. I’m going to be here for you either way. And your right, I-I can’t really understand what you’re going through.” She shakes her head, squeezing his hand. “But, Fjord, I-I don’t want you to go through this alone. I know Caduceus could probably give you better advice or-”

“You’re perfect,” he cuts her off. The words seem to freeze her for a moment, a blush rising in her cheeks. 

To his surprise, she doesn’t make a joke or tease him about what he just said, she just smiles softly and continues. “What I mean is I’m here for you, Fjord.”

“Thank you, Jessie.” He takes a moment to collect his thoughts. He turns the file over in his hand before looking it over at her. “Here,” he presses the file into her hand. “I want you to hold on to this. I don’t want to be tempted by it anymore. And, uh, I’ll do better about reaching out.”

She smiles at him, “Do you want to come downstairs?” 

He shakes his head, “No, uh, I think I’d rather not.”

She leans against his shoulder, “Could I stay here with you? Keep you company?” 

“I would like that very much, Jester.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day! Let me know if you enjoyed this!
> 
> Tumblr- @romeoandjulietyouwish


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i really am bisexual aren't i

  
Dancing. It’s always dancing with Jester. He’s usually her partner of choice when the band in the corner strikes up in the corner of the tavern. Fjord has learned to love dancing with her, he loves the way she feels in his arms and he loves the dreamy look she gets on her face as they waltz. He loves the feeling of her dress swishing against his legs and how when the music slows she’ll rest her head on his chest. He loves the soft smile she gives him when the music is finished.

It’s when they’re dancing that it finally clicks for him. They’re in some tavern in some city and Jester pulls him in the middle of the tavern. The music is faster than a normal waltz, and Jester seems to recognize it as she begins to lead, whispering instructions to him. 

“You’re a really good dancer, Fjord!” She exclaims after a moment.

“I have an excellent teacher,” he grins down at her.

When the song is finished, Jester steps away from him as she turns to applaud the musicians. When she turns back to him, she smiles up at him with a bright smile and stands on her toes to kiss his cheek. That’s nothing new, she’s kissed his cheek dozens of times before. But what is new is the tugging in his chest. Maybe it’s always been there, maybe the longing to have her back in his arms has always been there. But suddenly he knows what the funny little tug in his stomach means. 

He’s in love with her. Stupidly in love with that beautiful blue tiefling.

Fjord decides to keep it close to his chest for the group’s sake. He doesn’t know how the dynamic will change if they were to be together. But on top of that, he can’t be sure that she returns his feelings. He knows that for a while she had a crush on him, but he has no way of knowing if that crush is gone or if she would even want something as serious as he does. 

So he pretends it doesn’t exist. He’s sure that Beau and Caduceus have picked on his feelings for Jester, and he assumes that Yasha and Caleb have too. Thankfully, he’s pretty sure that Jester hasn’t.

Of course, Marion sees it the second they get back to the Chateau. As he’s wandering to his quarters one night, she steps into the hallway and stops him. She crosses her arms, looking down at him not unkindly, but sternly. 

“Hello, ma’am,” he greets her politely.

“You know,” she tells him, “it is far kinder to let someone know how you feel then to leave them wondering about every move you make.”

He gulps, her meaning clear, “Miss Lavore-”

She holds up her hand, looking scarier and more protective than he has ever seen her. “I can tell very clearly how much you care about my daughter. And I know my Jester better than anyone else in the world, she is strong and caring and filled to the brim with the love she carries in her heart.” Fjord smiles. “She deserves to know how you feel.” 

“I know she does,” Fjord runs a hand down his face. “It’s just...complicated. There’s a lot to think about before I tell her and there’s the group to worry about and I can’t be certain that she returns my feelings-”

“It doesn’t matter if she does or she doesn’t,” Marion interrupts. “My Jester is very intuitive, I have no doubt that she has seen the shift in you.” Fjord scuffs his foot against the floor to avoid her eye contact. “I will not tell you the things my daughter has told me in confidence, but I will say that she cares an awful lot about you. Don’t let her keep wondering.” 

“I-I won’t.”

“Good boy,” she pats his shoulder. “Goodnight, Fjord.” She disappears into her chambers before he can return the farewell. 

True to his promise to Marion, Fjord tries to find the right moment to tell her. They’re staying in Nicodranas for the remainder of the week but it seems that every time he musters up the courage to tell her how he feels, he never can. He struggles to find the right words to say, to explain how he feels without pressuring her. 

One night, as he’s walking back to his room, he stops at Jester’s bedroom door. He can see light coming from under the door, despite the fact that Marion is performing tonight. Marion’s voice travels upstairs from the stage, crooning a beautiful song that sounds almost like a lullaby.

Fjord knocks on Jester’s bedroom door, “It’s me,” he calls. “Can I come in?” 

“Yeah!” Jester shouts from inside.

He opens the door to see Jester laying on her stomach on her bed, drawing in her journal. She looks up at him and smiles, marking the page with her pencil and closing the book. 

“You’re not watching the performance?” He asks. 

She shrugs, “Mama knows I can hear her from my room so I thought I’d talk to the Traveller before I go to bed.” 

“Do you want to be alone? I can go…” 

“No,” she sits up. “Please stay.” She pats the space on the bed next to her for him to sit down. He does, sitting a foot or so away from her. She crosses her legs and faces him, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Your mother sounds beautiful tonight,” he acknowledges. 

“She sounds beautiful every night,” Jester agrees. They fall silent for a moment, listening to the music. The music gives Fjord an idea. 

“Jester,” Fjord turns to her, “would you like to dance?”

She laughs and jumps to her feet, “I thought you’d never ask,” she teases. 

Fjord pulls Jester into the familiar embrace, his hand on her waist and hers on his shoulder, their other hands clasped together. As always, Jester leads. Though Fjord had become a better dancer, he likes Jester leading far better than he likes doing it himself. The music is slow, it makes perfect waltzing music.

“You look beautiful,” he says. She always looks beautiful to him. She gives him a weird look as she looks down at herself. She’s wearing yellow pajamas with little bee buttons up the front. Her hair is nothing special, just tied out of her face. 

But she grins up at him, “So do you, Fjord.” A light blush colors his cheeks and she laughs a little. They dance for a little while around Jester’s room, making small circles across the floor. With each step, he can feel the tugging in his chest return. It almost becomes too much for him, this overwhelming affection he has for her. It builds and builds and builds until he has to say it.

“Jester,” he begins softly, “there’s been something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”

“What is it?” She tips her head to the side.

He looks into her big violet eyes and smiles, the words come easier than he ever imagined they would. “I’m in love with you, Jessie.” 

Her eyes widen and she stops where she is, her hands falling away from him as she steps back. Fjord can feel his heart racing, terrified that he did something wrong. Her eyes search his face for a second. “Are you being serious?” 

He nods then clears his throat, “Yeah, uh, yeah, I’m serious. I’m-I’m in love with you.” 

Jester breaks into a wide smile and closes the distance between them, jumping into his arms, hugging him tightly. He catches her easily and hugs her back. “I love you too,” she tells him softly. He gently pulls her away from him, setting her back on her feet, so he can look in her eyes.

They don’t say anything, they don’t need to. 

“Jester?” Fjord asks. “Can I kiss you?”

Instead of answering, she closes the distance between them, rising up on her toes. Her hand is soft on his face as she closes the distance between the two of them and kisses him. His hands fall to her waist, just like they do when they dance, and he pulls her a little closer. 

He can feel Jester smile against his lips as they pull apart. As he meets her eyes again, they almost seem to sparkle. He’s sure they’re both blushing and smiling like dopes, but he doesn’t care in the slightest bit because Jester’s hands are still on his face and she’s looking up at him with the _softest_ eyes. 

“You wanna do that again?” He asks, almost dazed. 

Jester giggles, “Yeah.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! thank you so much for making it to the end of this fic! I'm super proud of it! 
> 
> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!
> 
> Tumblr- @romeoandjulietyouwish

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I already have the next chapter written so it should be up in the next few days as well as the next ones!
> 
> My tumblr is @romeoandjulietyouwish if you want to say hi!


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